Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
