My nipple is on Facebook.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
