My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize