I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
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