I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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