even my farts smell like vagina
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
