watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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