How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
