If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
