you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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