i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
false alarm, still single
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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