I accidentally had phone sex last night
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
3 2 1 whiskey
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
