..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I need to stop coming to work sober
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
