plz talk dirty to me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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