My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize