when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize