why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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