Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
