I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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