i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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