So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
