no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
