honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
