The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
