Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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