I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
