tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
