awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
