so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
