as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
