Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
