I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
