i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize