Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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