all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
