Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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