I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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