we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
