hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Apparently you make a good broom.
no, he came in my armpit
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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