I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We named our party play list daddy issues
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
