and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
