I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
