About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You can't motorboat a personality
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize