I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
