Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
