Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
