Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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