Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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