Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
