i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
