So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize