im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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