Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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