I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize