My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
So vagazzling was a success
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