Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
