someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
