ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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