Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
