please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
