Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
