I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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