the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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