I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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