i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
