does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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